At a very early age, my mother began instilling in me the proper way to do things. The first lesson came in the form of the well-written thank-you note. I remember my Christmas holidays often ruined because of the thank-you note. I'd be innocently playing with my new toy and then I'd hear Mom, the joy-killer, say the dreaded words, "Sarah, come write your thank-you notes." I'd protest what at the time seemed like an insane form of acknowledgement, especially if I hated the present or if I had opened it right in front of the gift-giver's face. "Because it's good manners," was always the reply.
What Mom didn't tell me—or maybe she tried to tell me but I was too insistently sulking to hear her—was how much people appreciate the gesture of a hand-written note of thanks. That that's what manners are all about, showing someone their efforts are appreciated, whether or not you like the gift.
In that regard, manners and etiquette seem more old-fashioned and out of touch with society today than ever before. Modern times have resulted in people very keen on themselves and no one else. Busy, hard-working, and tired parents are finding it more and more difficult to teach young children the values of kind behavior when competitive, mean, and downright offensive behavior are so blatantly rewarded (an example, any Reality TV show). And, any attempts at well-mannered behavior are often questionable: Did he pull out that chair for me expecting sex from me later? Did that young hopeful job candidate send me a thank-you note just to kiss up to me?
Granted, there are times when we use etiquette for ulterior motives, to look good in front of others, to impress; but, according to etiquette guru Letitia Baldrige, in her new book, New Manners for New Times, true manners are expressions of genuine kindness. "Etiquette is protocol, a set of behavior rules you can memorize like a map, which will guide you safely through life. Manners are much more, since they are an expression from the heart on how to treat others whether you care about them or not. Manners teach you how to value another's self-esteem and to protect that person's feelings."
Society's rules for good behavior have certainly evolved over the years, and, accordingly, so has the etiquette guide. A 1958 edition of Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette: A Guide to Gracious Living, will have you LOL-ing at every page you turn. For instance, did you know there's a suitable time to use the word, "lady"?
"A secretary or other white-collar employee never says—at least not in the hearing of the caller—'There's a woman here.' Neither ushering in the caller, does she say, 'You may come in, lady.' Instead, she says, 'Please come in,' adding the visitor's name, if known."
And, what would women do without the instructions on "How to Sit Comfortably and Gracefully?":
"On entering a room, try to select a chair or sofa that suits your height and figure. If you are overweight and short you will not look your best on a high spindly chair that leaves your feet dangling and causes you to bulge over the seat."
The word S-E-X isn't mentioned in this older guide since apparently people weren't having sex in the 1950s. If you want to know good manners for that department, pick up the fun guide from Kim Izzo and Ceri Marsh, The Fabulous Girl's Guide to Decorum. An entire chapter devoted to "Sex and Courtship" will teach you how to behave like an angel or a devil, but always with the utmost kindness, of course.
"Let's face facts: People have been substituting the word drink‚ for tonight's the night‚ for so long that anyone receiving such an invitation could justifiably assume they are being asked for a sleepover. It is very poor etiquette (and potentially dangerous) to extend this invitation if you don't mean to have sex."
I'm convinced everyone—not just brides-to-be—should own an etiquette book, and not just for its practical applications. An etiquette guide is a fascinating read, mainly because it is so logical. For every action, there is an explanation given. It teaches you that your behavior DOES have an effect on those around you, and it provides support for those of us who choose to live well-mannered. If someone calls me "oldfangled" for writing a thank-you, so be it! My mother would be proud. Which reminds me, I owe Letitia Baldrige a thank-you note.For those of you who would prefer to learn manners through the wonderful medium of film, the following is a list of movies we highly recommend:
1. Far From Heaven—The 50s were a keen time. Homosexuality was considered a "problem" and treated with electro-shock therapy. And scarves were not only a fashion accessory, but also a great tool for the subtle come-on. Pay special attention to the Cathy Whitaker (Julianne Moore) school on repression and denial. Sample dialogue:
Cathy Whitaker (to her son David): David, turn that off.
David: Aw, geez.
Cathy Whitaker: Now we'll have none of that language in this house.
2. The Joy Luck Club—You really don't have to watch the whole movie to get the best instruction on Chinese etiquette. Fast forward to Waverly introducing her WASPy boyfriend to her uptight judgmental parents, the "Emily Post of Chinese Manners" scene. Sample dialogue:
Waverly (voiceover): He should have taken only a small spoonful of the best dish until everyone had had a helping.
Waverly's judgmental mother: Your boyfriend has a big appetite.
3. The Women—The 1939 film version of the Clare Booth Luce play, directed by George Cukor. The play was recently revived on Broadway with an all-star cast that included Cynthia Nixon, Kristen Johnston, Jennifer Tilly, and Jennifer Coolidge. Providing perhaps the best course on how to deal with a lyin', cheatin' husband and maintain your dignity without losing all your friends. Joan Crawford, Norma Shearer, Joan Fontaine, and the always de-lish Rosalind Russell star.
4. My Fair Lady—She could have danced all night, but thanks to Professor Henry Higgins, Eliza Doolittle knew better than to go all hussy on Young Freddie Eynsford-Hill. For those of you who want to behave like a pouncy upper class Victorian-era Brit, this is the film for you. Sample dialogue:
Eliza: You're no gentleman, you're not, to talk of such things. I'm a good girl, I am. And I know what the likes of you are, I do.
Higgins: We want none of your slum prudery here, young woman. You've got to learn to behave like a duchess. Now take her away, Mrs. Pearce, and if she gives you any trouble, wallop her.
5. Any period flick—Films that contain one or more of the following components are included here: bodice-ripping, heaving bosoms, English countrysides, powdered-wig wearing fops, Colin Firth, produced by Merchant-Ivory, based on a Jane Austen novel, and strategically-placed moles. Sense and Sensibility, Dangerous Liaisons, Emma, Pride and Prejudice, Amadeus, A Room with a View, Where Angels Fear to Tread, and Impromptu to name but a few.
6. The Age of Innocence and The House of Mirth—Based on the Edith Wharton novels, these films instruct women on how not look a man in the eye and yet keep his interest. Instructional help provided by Michelle Pfeiffer as Ellen Olenska and Gillian Anderson as Lily Bart.
7. Wilt Stillman movies—Barcelona, Metropolitan, Last Days of Disco, these movies will teach you how to behave in modern upper-class society. All films offer you a choice between behaving like a slut or a good girl. Sample dialogue from the urbane romantic comedy Metropolitan:
Fred: You don't need to put on green eye-shadow for us.
Jane: It's not for you. I've got a date.
Fred: A date? What's that? It sounds like something from the 1950s.
Charlie: Who's the fellow?
Jane: None of you know him, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Interview with Etiquette Expert Letitia Baldrige
Features: Travel: Finding Harmony | Collecting: Reverend Jen and the Troll Museum | Decorating: Vintage Wallpaper | Photo Gallery: Vintage Fashion | Home: Vintage Kitchen | Manners: Interview With Etiquette Expert Letitia Baldrige | Lifestyle: Where Did You Get That?
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