Hello, my gentle readers. Since this is my first column for annabelle, I want to join in on the music theme with letters of heartbreak and woe from some groupies.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
I really really really like this band, Hot Sugar Motorcycle Brigade. The lead singer is my friend Mindy's brother and we go to all their shows and sometimes we are the only ones in the audience which is cool because then we can stand close to the stage and that's cool. But, the thing is, I really really really like the drummer oh my god I can totally tell he is like sweet and sensitive and not a jerk like Mindy's brother and I can tell Bob (that's the drummer's name) is nice because he listens to what I say and he looks me in the eye like really deeply when I'm talking to him, not like Mindy's brother who is a jerk. I know that Bob works at a restaurant in the kitchen and I really want to see if he will go to the movies with me or something and I just wanted to find out what to do next. Thank you I will do whatever you tell me to do.
- Shy Around Drummer in Buffalo, New York
Dear SAD,
Sounds to me like you actually have a crush on both the lead singer and the drummer so you need to make a choice. I suggest you go for Bob the drummer because girls like you stand a better chance with drummers. Honey, I just don't think you are lead singer material. If a guy listens to you, like Bob does, you are halfway there. It is almost unheard of in the dating-a-musician world to have him listen to you running off at the mouth. He must be some sort of saint. I say go for it! Ask him out to see a Jackie Chan movie—guys dig that kind of stuff.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
At what point does being a fan become being a fanatic? I am afraid I could fall in the fanatic category—my best friend Bess told me that she didn't want to hang out with me because she thinks I am obsessed with the Four Seasons just because I think that they are the greatest band ever. They wrote the greatest songs ever written: "Sherry," "Walk Like a Man," "Big Girls Don't Cry," "Let's Hang On (To What We Got)." There will never be such a beautiful voice as Frankie Valli's (born Frank Castelluccio on May 3, 1937). I went to high school with Nick Massi, the bass player of the Four Seasons, and I have always been a fan. See, the thing is, Bess isn't the first person to tell me this. My soon-to-be-ex-husband went as far as to say, "All you ever talk about is the damn Four Seasons!" when he left me after their concert at Grand Casino's Grand Theatre in Biloxi, Mississippi. Miss Lonelyhearts, is there something wrong with me?
- Desperate And Fervent in Tallahassee, Florida
Dear DAFT,
Of course there's nothing wrong with people like you. You just need to go out there and find others who worship Frankie Valli's falsetto voice like you do. I'm sure there are some still alive. I suggest you search the Internet for chatrooms and message boards that are devoted to the Four Seasons. Try a Yahoo! list.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
I am writing to you and hoping that you might have some advice for me. I was dating this guy, a singer in a band, for a few weeks, and I thought we had a good thing going. I even thought maybe he was The One. It turns out he was too wild and woolly to stay put. Now I am so sad. Do you understand? I can only describe our love through an equine metaphor in this poem I composed:You Wild and Woolly Stallion
He was The One that got away, like a wild horse on the beach.
The most handsome horse I'd ever seen, just too far out of reach.
Reaching up to touch his handsome head, he knew he had my attention,
So he playfully galloped away, my heart left in pieces, too painful to mention.
And all I can do is cry and say,
Horsey, horsey, please come back and stay.
I'll give you carrots and apples and my love, please come back, my hoofed one.
Now what do I do?
- Poet Left Alone with her Torn-out Heart in Boise, Idaho
Dear PLATH,
Hmm...interesting. It's good that you realize musicians cannot be pinned down by just anybody off the street. It's too bad that you're sitting around writing really bad poetry like a lot of girls do after being dumped by a musician. This reminds me of Gwyneth Paltrow, not that she was ever dumped by a musician, but she's dating a rock star. Her relationship with Chris Martin of Coldplay seems to be going really well. She's starring in a movie called Sylvia. I think you should check it out and get some closure through the movies.
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