I'm an idiot! Rewind. Play. Pause. Dammit. Play.

I was going to be the next Olivia Newton-John. That was the dream that began the day I saw Grease and ended on Christmas day, 1979—the day that my uncle Billy gave me a small acoustic guitar. When I picked up that guitar and strummed those strings, I didn't want to be Olivia Newton-John anymore. I knew I could no longer be content with just singing. I had a new dream to play guitar and write my own songs. Instantly, I was transformed. I was no longer just another nine year old; I was a bold, sassy, songwriting, guitar-strumming rock chick.

For a few years I played constantly. I knew a few songs and a couple of chords and what I didn't know, I just made up. I performed my original songs of love and heartbreak for anyone who would listen (usually Barbie, Ken, and Betsy Wetsy) and I rocked! Okay, so maybe I didn't exactly "rock" by all outward appearances. But I had everything a future rock goddess needed: attitude, an unshakeable belief in my own coolness, and a big shiny dream of rock-n-roll stardom.

But as I grew older and bigger, the guitar became too small to play. I decided to buy a grown-up guitar…after I bought some new fall clothes. Oh, and some records and books. And summer clothes. And so on. The new guitar would have to wait…

Twenty years later, I figured I had procrastinated long enough. It was time to tap into my musical passion and to rock-n-roll once more. All I needed to do was buy a guitar and learn how to play. But how? A book? Lessons? Self-teaching? annabelle wanted to know as well, and issued the following challenge: Learn three different songs by the aforementioned different methods to determine which way is the best. annabelle would supply the book and guitar teacher and I'd do the rest.

My first task, of course, was obtaining a guitar. With little money and even less knowledge about guitars, I tiptoed into a few music stores feeling as if I had "sucker" scrawled across my forehead. I longed to try out the gorgeous, shiny new instruments that were hung up where I couldn't reach them, but I dared not ask for assistance, lest I end up on the receiving end of a hard-sell pitch that would certainly render me helpless to resist spending a month's rent. Yikes! Too scary. Maybe a used guitar store would be a better bet.

My next stop was Mojo Guitar (102 St. Marks Place, NYC). I walked in and spotted a guitar that looked perfect—basic, small, and broken in. When I met the friendly proprietor I confessed my ignorance and he took pity on me. He presented me with the very guitar I had my eye on and noted that it was ideal for beginners because of its low action. I had no idea what "low action" meant but it sounded good. Then came the best part: It was 80 bucks! Score! Yes, there are deals to be had in New York; apparently though, you have to actually ask for them.

When I got the guitar home I tried it out. I noticed I had trouble holding it comfortably and found that with guitar playing, being busty isn't an asset. I picked a few strings and strummed a few more to see if playing a guitar was like riding a bike. No such luck. I remembered nothing. Still, I was able to figure out how to play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," "Do-Re-Mi," and a little bit of "Smoke on the Water" on one string. I don't know how good it sounded but it gave me hope.

Method One: Learning From a Book
The Book: Roy Clark's Big Note Songbook
The Song: "Morning Has Broken" by Eleanor Farjeon

The first method I tried was Roy Clark's Big Note Songbook. Like most people, I knew Roy Clark as the guy with the big friendly grin on TV's corny classic, Hee-Haw (which I loved as a kid, by the way). As it turns out, he's one of the most respected guitar pickers around and was the first National Ambassador for UNICEF. Not too shabby. Plus, he resembles my dad, which I find comforting.

The cover of the songbook said, "learn to play instantly." That sounded promising. I was relieved to look through his book and find that you don't need to know how to read music to follow his system, as he was thoughtful enough to include a tablature for each song. In this case, it was a diagram of the strings with finger positions indicated by numbers corresponding to the appropriate frets. He also provided a nifty poster that showed where to place the fingers and which strings to strum (or not) in order to make each chord. I followed the tablature and in less than half an hour, I was able to play the basic melody.

I'd say that qualifies as "instantly" so Roy kept his promise. The chords, alas, were not as easy to make as I'd hoped. I put my fingers where the chart said to but the chord just didn't sound right. First I thought I was pressing too hard and tried a lighter touch. Nothing. Then I tried pressing harder. Nada. Roy said to place my fingers perpendicular to the guitar and I gave it my best shot. Zilch. Then my nasty little inner critic piped in with its opinion that I was too old to learn how to play and that I sucked and would always suck but I ignored it and kept trying. Every once in a while I could make a passable C chord but the G7 chord eluded me. I resigned myself for the time being to playing just the melody of "Morning Has Broken." If I wanted to play chords, then "morning has bro" would have to do.

Pros:
- A very handy poster with the chords.
- Stickers for the neck of the guitar to help with finger placement.
- Convenience of learning a song at 4:00 AM if necessary.
- Cheaper than a professional guitar lesson.
Cons:
- Not helpful with technique.

Method Two: Guitar Lesson
The Teacher: Billy Kelly aka Earl Pickens
The Song: "Ring of Fire" by June Carter and Merle Kilgore

The second method was learning from someone who plays. My teacher was none other than Billy Kelly, the handsome, sexy-as-hell front man of my favorite New York band, Earl Pickens and the Black Mountain Marauders. He's also a damn good musician who was kind enough to come to my fifth-floor walk-up and teach me as much as possible in one hour-long session.

Billy began the lesson by making the peace sign with his fingers and said that anyone who can make a peace sign or flip someone the bird can play guitar. He went on to explain that though it's awkward at first, with enough practice, I could think "C" and make a C chord just as naturally as I can think "peace" or "that guy's a *#@!" and make the corresponding gesture. That was just the pep talk I needed.

Next, he tuned my guitar and recommended that I buy a tuner. He said that when tuning a guitar to E, it's helpful to listen to the first note of "Day Tripper." I just happened to have that CD in my player. I don't believe in coincidence, so I took this as a sign from the heavens that I should tune my guitar to E.

Then he showed me how to hold a guitar and make chords. It turns out I wasn't holding the strings down nearly as hard as I needed to (hint: if it doesn't hurt, it's probably not hard enough) and that I was letting my other fingers get in the way. Once he showed me the proper technique, he gave me advice on how to improve. He didn't just tell me that I should practice; he told me how to practice. Finally, he taught me the chords necessary to play "Ring of Fire" and wrote them out with the lyrics. By the end of the lesson, I knew how to play the C, G and D chords.

I practiced "Ring of Fire" after he left and sometimes I could even kinda play it. One day, I shall play it at a quicker tempo than that of a funeral march.

Pros:
- Learning proper technique.
- Words of encouragement.
- Practical advice on improving.
Cons:
- Finding a time that works for two busy people.
- Expensive if friends aren't willing to teach for free.

Method Three: Learning by Listening and Duplicating
The Teacher: Me
The Song: "Day Tripper" by John Lennon and Paul McCartney

The third method I explored was one that many musicians swear by: sitting in a room and listening to a song again and again, figuring out the notes and chords, and playing them.

Frankly, I expected this to be fairly easy. I can usually pound out a melody on a piano and I played the flute by ear in my fifth grade band until the teacher got wise to the fact that I didn't read music. Of course, I doubted that I could hear a chord and reproduce it (even if it's one of the few chords I "know"). But, I should at least be able to pluck the melody to "Day Tripper," right? How hard could it be?

At this point I think it would be best to give a sample of my stream-of-consciousness during this particular exercise:

"Wait a minute. What was that note? Play. Pause. Nope, didn't get it. Play. Pause. Arrgh! I can't take this! Play. Pause. Is that it? Play. Pause. Nope that's not it. That? Nope. That? Nope. Wait! That's the note! Yes! Okay, what was the note before? Damn, why didn't I write it down? I'm an idiot! Rewind. Play. Pause. Dammit. Play. What the…? It doesn't even sound like a guitar anymore! Play. Pause. Arrgh! I hate the Beatles now! Play. Pause. Arrgh! It's like Chinese freakin' water torture! Play. Pause. Arrgh!"

Yeah. After a couple of hours of this, I can play the first six notes.

Pros:
- Training the ear to listen and identify notes.
- Building character.
- Opportunity to develop Buddha-like patience.
Cons:
- Aaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!

And the verdict is… If I had to choose just one of the methods I tested, I would choose private guitar lessons. One-on-one instruction with a good teacher can help a beginner learn the most effective playing technique much more efficiently than learning through trial and error. However, I don't have to choose just one method and there's really no reason I should.

I suspect that Roy Clark's chord poster will be up on my wall for quite a long time, and I find that playing the songs in the book is a fun way to practice. As for learning by listening: I'll try it again when I have more notes and chords under my belt. I believe it's helpful to train my ears as well as my fingers.

Right now, I'm looking for a guitar teacher who lives in my neighborhood. Until I find one, I will keep practicing my chords and "Morning Has Broken" and "Ring of Fire" (no "Day Tripper" just yet). I will transform the lovely blisters on my fingers to even lovelier calluses. And when the little critic in my head starts giving me crap about how bad I am, I'll flip off that *#@ jerk, notice how effortlessly I'm able to do that, and I'll keep on pluckin'.

When I outgrew my first guitar, I thought I had outgrown my dream. But I didn't. My dream grew too; but instead of growing bigger, it grew up. I no longer yearn to be a rock-n-roll star or make millions of dollars (although I wouldn't turn down either fame or money). I just want to play guitar for the pleasure of playing and to write songs for the satisfaction of expressing myself. I'll play for my friends someday soon. I plan to eventually play in public. But I don't need to be worshipped by millions of adoring fans to feel like a rock-n-roll goddess. I feel like one whenever I pick up my guitar and strum. It's all about the attitude. And that's rock-n-roll, baby!

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