Am I Cool Enough Yet?

Record stores have always brought out my social anxiety disorder. A friend of mine has a theory that record sales are hurting not because downloading off the Internet and burning cds are cheaper methods for getting music, but because they make it easier for the shy record buyer to avoid the dreaded record store clerk. We all remember Barry, the nasty elitist clerk at Championship Vinyl in the book High Fidelity (portrayed by Jack Black in the film version). Who wants to be told her music is "sentimental, tacky crap?" Not I.

So, if I really want a cd, I'll either order it online or go to my local megastore, where I don't feel as much like a swollen thumb as I do in those smaller, more exclusive record shops. If the cd I want is in stock, I grab it and head to the purchasing line, carrying the jewel box with a tight fist and close to my side so others can't see it. It's enough for the clerks to look at me funny, I don't need to feel dejected by the customers as well. If my cd is not there (Grrr…), I swiftly exit the store. I don't stick around to browse. Whenever I try the browsing thing, I inevitably end up picking up something dorky like Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth, and saying out loud, "Wow! This is still in print?" Then I feel the consternation from those around me. It's too much pressure on my low self-esteem to browse.

When I recently found myself sick of all my cds-which happens to me fairly often because I usually listen to the same cds over and over again until even my cd player is sick of them, "T-t-time t-t-to g-g-get new cds"-I knew this meant a trip to the record store was imminent.

Coincidentally, I started a self-improvement kick around this time-you know, eat healthier, cut back on alcohol, exercise more, blah, blah, blah, AND, start building up confidence by taking more risks. I realized the need to get some new tunes would be just the excuse I needed to tackle my fear of the record store and I'd self-improve at the same time. This was the spark that ignited Project Feign Ignorance.

My plan began with a little reconnaissance. I casually asked some friends how they approach the record store. I discovered that they, like me, have a "pre-entry attitude adjustment moment," the point when we go from being our nice normal selves to our "fuck you, record store clerk" selves. Based on this information, I decided it might be beneficial to try a new tact, a "making friends with the enemy" step. But how does one make friends with someone like a Barry? (Again, rent High Fidelity and you'll understand my fear.) I needed an excuse to talk to him. Then I remembered the time I met a guy at a party who explained to me the difference between female and male music fans. Women get by just knowing the bandmembers' names, song titles, and lyrics. Men, on the other hand, HAVE to know all the bands that influenced a band and who influenced those bands and so on. They need to know guitar tabs, chord progressions, instruments used, who produced the album and the other bands he's produced, what drugs were taken during the recording of the album, where it was recorded, who else was in the studio the day they recorded such-and-such note, bootlegs, live dates, the list goes on and on ad nauseum. Man, I thought, I need to step up my game. I know about indie rock bands but not their predecessors. I own some Beatles, a little Bowie, and Elton John's Greatest Hits; but apparently that's not enough. This became the crux of Project Feign Ignorance. It also created my mantra for the next two weeks, "Can you help me with my cd collection?"

My plan was to approach the record store clerk as a guide who could lead me on a new music journey. By asking the clerk to recommend something old and something new based on my musical tastes, I would not only build up my cd collection, but I'd also build up my self worth. And, maybe make a cool friend.

I started with the Virgin Megastore in Times Square (1540 Broadway). I wondered around the megastore with a quizzical expression on my face, hoping a clerk would notice me and at least ask me if I was lost. Alas, nobody said anything to me. I wandered around a good ten minutes and then it dawned on me there were no clerks anywhere, just one caged in the information booth. Finally, I found a clerk, if you can call nearly being knocked over by one finding one. This store has a huge selection of cds from all areas of the music rainbow, with lots of imports and some vinyl, and a great amount of listening stations, the majority of which aren't "out of order." Of course, being a megastore, the prices are cheaper than they are at small specialty shops, and there are always great sales. Still, and I know it's shallow to judge a person from the outside, but the clerks I saw all looked like they came in off the street after a taping of MTV's TRL. I didn't get the sense they were my kind of music people so there was no way in hell I was going to rely on their suggestions. I left empty-handed and empty-hearted.

For my next go, I decided to get rid of the training wheels, let go of the handle bars, and pay a visit to the hipster mecca, Other Music (15 East 4th Street). Since the day OM opened, I haven't been able to come within a two-block radius of this store without feeling un-cool. The clientele is cool, the clerks are cool, the homeless person that hangs around outside the store is cool. But, I was not going to let this cool factor deter me from conquering my phobia. After giving myself a 15-minute pep talk, I approached the store. The first patron I saw was an older hipper postal clerk (hip in that he had an earring). Oddly, seeing a postman put me a little more at ease. I put on my quizzical face and after about a minute of sauntering around the store (this place is so small it really does take a minute to take in the entire place), I heard, "Do you need help with finding something?" I turned around and standing before me was Scott, a tall young Asian man looking as if he honesty meant he wanted to help me. I told him my predicament of being sick of my cds and asked for his recommendations. I told him my current ear-candy was Super Furry Animals, Phantom Power, New Pornographers, Electric Version, and Grandaddy, Sumday. He handed me a cd he was holding. It was STARS, Heart. He said STARS are a Canadian band with a less pop sound than New Pornographers. Okay, I'll try something less pop.

Then, I asked him for something old and maybe something "moody." I thought moody would be a good music word to use. He asked me if I knew Nick Drake. Sadly, all I know by N.D. is that song from the Volkswagen commercial. I felt kind of stupid mentioning that. He seemed disappointed that the store was out of Drake's first album but he said Pink Moon would be a fine place to start. Scott informed me that bands with spare guitar and piano arrangements and with a male singer who sings kind of high are usually influenced by Drake, like Belle and Sebastian. Hello! My all-time favorite band! I was sold.

I asked him if there was anything else I should try. He asked me if I knew Felt, an influential 1980s cult band from England. Scott compared them to the more popular band from that decade, The Smiths, but without the cheek and with jangly guitars. Jangly guitars? Now we're talking! I love jangly guitars! Sold. Scott did a bang-up job with his time and consideration. I felt he really cared.

Project Feign Ignorance seemed to work on Scott, but I had to be sure it wasn't just a fluke. I needed to make one more stab at ending the anxiety. This time I chose an even smaller shop, Etherea (69 Avenue A, between 4th and 5th Streets). One online review said this place was great for used cd sellers and buyers. That sounded exclusive and perfect for my project.

When I walked in, I immediately noticed how tiny the store is. Besides me, there was only one other customer in the store and it felt pretty tight in there. Then there was the clerk Cricket, with short red hair, glasses, baby tee shirt. Quietly working behind the altar-like counter, she was a poster child for indie rock. I did a little "browsing," then I went right up to her and asked for her help. I mentioned the bands I liked and she started pulling out cds: Quasi, Rachels, Big Star, Can, Pinback… I knew none of these bands. Then, noticing the overwhelmed look on my face, she said I could listen to the cds before I decide on buying them. Oh my God! Scott didn't say anything about listening before buying! We started with Big Star, Big Star Story, a compilation album of the 1970s band. Three notes and I could name their tune. Then, came Rachels, which was too chamber pop for my upbeat mood. As I listened to the Pinback cd, over the speakers came a sound that attracted my ears. "Who's this?" I asked Cricket. "The Tyde," she said. Yet another band I had never heard of. At that point, I chose the cds I wanted and paid Cricket. Then I giddily left the store.

Now that I've listened to all my new cds, here's how Scott and Cricket fared in Project Feign Ignorance:

Scott, Other Music
Cost: Approximately $45.00 on three cds.

STARS, Heart, (Arts & Crafts) Of the three albums Scott suggested, I like this one the best. Canadian groups are the least edgy bands in the world. They seem very honest, and that's exactly what this album is. It starts off with a throwback to the 80s sound-almost Flashdance-esque-then it gets down to more modern-day music. Thank goodness! I was getting worried there for a moment. STARS makes very pretty, listener-friendly music about love. Guys should tell girls they love them with this album playing on the stereo. I give Scott three and a half out of five stars for introducing me to another Canadian band that's actually good.

Nick Drake, Pink Moon, (Island) Ah yes… a pretty world of soft quiet melodies, much starker than any of the indie rock cds I own. This is the kind of music I find good to listen to while doing yoga or balancing my checkbook, which I did while listening to this album. At times a bit too slow for me but it didn't distract me from my accounting. I give Scott three stars for making a nice attempt at giving me what I asked for-something old and moody and non-confrontational.

Felt, Crumbling the Antiseptic Beauty, (Cherry Red) According to the music Web site www.ubl.com, Felt is "minimalist pop." I guess I don't really know the meaning of the word pop when it's applied to music. This album has six very long songs on it. (I thought pop songs were short.) About two minutes into this album, I started feeling fidgety and depressed. (What's pop about that?) I got the urge to rearrange all the furniture in my apartment, I love my new setup. I should have guessed by the title and cover art that this band's music would be moody. But, I feel I'm missing the real cult-of-Felt experience. If someone can recommend another Felt album, I'll be your best friend. I give Scott two and half stars for giving me something moody, which is what I asked for, but I didn't really want the depression that came along with it.

Cricket, Etherea
Cost: approximately $49 on three cds.

Quasi, Hot Shit, (Touch & Go Records) Cricket, who was wearing a Quasi, Hot Shit tee shirt at the time, told me this was the Janet Weiss (of Sleater-Kinney fame) and Sam Coomes (Weiss' ex-husband) sonic explosion. This cd goes beyond any I own. It sounds like drunk and demented cowboys got a hold of some electric guitars, a piano, a drum kit, and some crack, and had themselves one hell of a hootenanny. It's pretty self-indulgent and goes way overboard on the post-9/11 political commentary at times, but once these two stop showing off and actually play their music, it's not bad. Not bad at all. In fact, I rather enjoy this album. It's got a classic rock feel to it also. Four stars to Cricket for really going out on a limb with this one.

The Tyde, Twice, (Rough Trade) Okay, I cheated on this one. Cricket didn't actually recommend it. I was listening to Pinback when through the headphones Twice came filtering in. This is what I had been looking for and didn't know it until I heard it-light, cheery, easy-listening beach pop rock. A strumming guitar with a synth riding shotgun on its surfboard. It was September and the first cool day of autumn was upon us. Cricket said I must be wanting summer to last. She was right. This album is unadulterated sunshine. Four and a half stars to the Etherea dj who sensed I would be a sucker for this kind of breezy pop.

Big Star, Big Star Story, (Rykodisc) I had no idea Big Star existed. Then I heard the theme from That 70s Show. So, this is where that song comes from. Big Star perfectly embodies that decade. I can imagine driving down a long stretch of Texas highway in a Pontiac sedan with the windows open, long hair flying in the wind, sun just beginning to set in the west, not a care in the world. According to the chart on the cd sleeve, this band has influenced bands like REM and Teenage Fanclub. I give Cricket two and a half stars for introducing me to Big Star Story. Even though the music doesn't sound entirely dated, it made me feel that way.

Overall, Project Feign Ignorance was a success. Scott and Cricket were so helpful and friendly, not at all the stereotypical record store clerks I had come to expect. And, I don't feel nearly as uptight when I pass by a record store anymore.

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